Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wow ! you look exactly like you feel....

OMG. Do you ever forget that you're now, old and hideous ?

You know ,you're out in public somewhere and you see some guy looking at you, and for a second you actually think that he's "checking you out" ,then a brick lands on your head and you remember "HELLO, crack head ! You're pushing 50 ,your face looks like a catchers mitt ,you have varicose veins under your eyes , your hands look like Methusala, your body looks like Winnie the Pooh and you have all the sex appeal of Edith Bunker. "

(Oh and lets not forget that home hack job you've just done on your orange mullet!)

As someone who was once presumed to be reasonably attractive ,this happens to me fairly often. Even 15 years ago, men (under 75) thought I was do-able....(for lack of a better word) 

Picture, the effin wind was howling so bad, the metal chairs were blowing around on the balcony,the balcony itself was swaying . This made me soooo depressed that I did not leave the house all day.

Wait, let me really set the scene for's the actual recap of my day :

( First of all, my husband has been working literally non-stop, since last Thursday. He's been home long enough to sleep about 6 hours and then go back to work.)

Ok, 7 of this routine.....I had taken a half a nytol at 9 last night , I was sleeping like a baby ,until the crack of dawn. I woke up to the roasting feeling of being buried in hot cats. I see that my husband is already out of bed. I dump the cats off of me and get up. Hubby is sitting at the kitchen /office table in his underwear ,working on his laptop.

me - "What are you doing?"

Him- "seeing what movies I can download ,but I really don't have time."

He's supposed to be at work 40 minutes away ,in an hour and a half. (oh my blood pressure)

I try to remain calm and NOT nag until he leaves the house. I make my coffee, smoke a cigarette, check my email,my facebook, my blogs. He finally leaves , then I clean the kitchen ,I make the bed, fix the white trash blankets covering the couch,sort the laundry, drag my "old lady drying rack" out of the cat box room, do the first (of 3) loads of laundry.
I wash the trash cabinet out, redo the trash bag, pull out the (useless piece of sh*t) vacuume cleaner and the little tiny attachment and get on my hands and knees to vacuume the's like doing the carpet at the carwash.

I listen to the f'n wind howl and try to smoke in the cat box's so windy that the window can't even stay open. I have to go out to the stairwell ,where I see teenage girls being blown down the street and I see office workers accross the street UNABLE to shut their front door because they are no match for the frickin' frackin' WIND.

I curse the cold ,the winter and most of all the WIND! I HATE you wind!!!!

Oh, then I clean out the fridge and the food some more laundry, hang some laundry on my "old lady drying rack", Curse all of the above and see that it is lunch time....woo hooo....that means home sliced toast and eggs. (don't be jealous)
I broke one of my yolks, ate it anyway....cursing eggs and toast.
Yesterday , I ate tuna salad for breakfast and Dinner. (a rare treat! note to self: make more tuna)

After lunch ,I was already tired. I sat on my ass and tried to read some more of this library book I had been reading . "A tale of two sisters"

I got the book in hopes that it would be this charming "sister" book  ,that I couldn't wait to send to MY sister. Well, no... it was about one sisters miscarraige and how devastated she was and everyone's lives fell apart.

Note to self: do NOT send this book to sister

Then.....I had to force myself to go take a shower. (yes, I've recently gotten into the BAD habit of putting tennis shoes on with my pajamas ,doing my chores and THEN taking a shower ) Bad idea people, bad idea.

The wind was still frickin whirling , I could hear it ripping through the bathroom while I was in the lousy excuse of a shower. I had to prop bottles of shampoo, body gel, conditioner and shaving cream around the shower curtain to keep it from wrapping itself around me and smothering me.This made me so weary ,I didn't even wash my orange mullet. Why bother? I just got it wet.

The very idea of having to put makeup on totally sucked the life out of me. Oh how I wished I could just be au natural. But just a couple days ago ,when I saw my husband for that breif second ,before he left for work ...he said (and probably the ONLY thing he said to me ) " what's wrong with your eyes?"

"Um, I just woke up and don't have any makeup on?"

"I don't know, they just look puffy."

In my mind : "Well, don't try to hide your lust, big boy.You know you want me. "
Bwa ha ha ! NOT!

There was a day when I would not have even taken the garbage out without makeup done, hair done,dressed in actual clothes.Now, it's like a bunch of work with no pay.

However , I DID force myself to put makeup on and did what I could with my hack hair job.By this time it's like 6 P.M. , I call my spouse to see "what's the dealio?" is he coming home for dinner? do I need to be cooking?

He's on a confrance call ,he'll have to call me back.

Fast forward to 7 P.M. , I'm down in the convenience store at the bottom of our building (the ONLY place I've been all day) he calls me back .

"What do you want to do? I don't know if these guys are going to want to go eat or what."

"Well, I wanted to know if I need to be cooking dinner ,I'm not going out there unless I have a taxi !"

Which, if my husband had repeated that statement , someone (with an expense account ,may have gotten me a taxi) but...knowing my husband like I do, he never even told THEM that. He probably just said " she doesn't want to go eat with us"

So...right after that conversation, I get to the check out line with my fruit and diet coke . The cashier is a young guy ...old enough to have shed the pimples but I'm not sure if he's old enough to sell booze. He says to me " Wow, you really look ...."

before he finishes ,my mind goes back to younger,less hideous days ....

It skips ahead ......"wow , you look nice today."

"wow, does your orange hair look retro today!"

"wow, you look just like my mom today!"

"wow,You really look cool in those shoes."

and WHAT does he actually say?

"Wow! you really look TIRED today."

OMG. I was so "old lady" .....I just stammered "Oh...I am weather is making me tired."

My husband is out there eating's too much efort to make more toast and eggs. I had sunflower seeds for dinner.

Oh shit...pass me a burlap elephant mann-ish bag for my head, would you please.

I'm weary. So OLD and weary.


  1. Sounds like somebody has seasonal affective disorder haha!
    It's 87 degrees outside right now. You morons need to move to Florida! It's an old winter-hating fogies' paradise ;P

  2. Oh Smocha! Poor baby! I have days EXACTLY like the one you described. You did make me laugh, though, especially about the puffy eyes. I seem to have joined the "Puffy Eye Club" myself lately and I'm not loving it! (BTW I swear by Sudden Change under eye serum!) Anyway, I loved this post.

    Next time, take yourself out to a restaurant! God knows you deserve to! Take care.

  3. oh, u poor thing...I actually thought the funniest part was about the sister book. I know you like a good book! LOL Do your nails in bright pink or red, or better yet get them done. Cheer up!

  4. This whole nearly fifty (you)-just over fifty (me)- thing sucks. Big ones. Big green ones. Big green donkey...okay, okay. I'm sure you get it. The puffy eye thing is the worst! I feel for you. (and me too). Get back home soon, you need a vacation. Hugs. Big old puffy-eyed hugs. :)

  5. send me and Soul a frikin plane ticket and we will wreak havoc on that God fosaken place!! ok, mebbe we would sit around and drink coffee,eat cake and complain about how old and fat were getting. But it sounded nice, eh?
    Youre actually still beautiful, so shut up. : P

    Love ya, Aud

  6. I am thinking the same thing, I was looking at my eyes yesterday thinking god I hope I am not getting pink eye, there looking,.....then the weight thing is driving me crazy........girls week,2 damn, and why the heck do you have a orange mullet.....leave your hair alone, you had wonderful an orange mullet,i, know your regressing to the 80's.....but not the mullet thing...anyways, why have you not called me? you, and really this was a good post....

  7. ... the perils of getting oldr! Have I ever told you to check out the dvds "Rosemary and Thyme" ? adorable about 2 gardeners who always get caught up in murders? You do need to watch #1 first to see how the 2nd one gets started. aj

  8. Like my grandma L. used to say, getting old is for the birds! I hate the wind too.

  9. Some days just suck!!! Puffy Eye Disease - ugh!! If it helps any, you aren't alone - most of us fight it every day. Some just give up - I have.

  10. Think Wesley has the right idea. Nothing north of the mason dixon line is worth a sh--. They are still having snow. Try 17 inches on March 22. You guys need to come back to civilization. Funny blog, guess your back in to the swing of writing. Ought to be a book in there someplace.

  11. Since my 49th birthday 2 weeks ago I have been on that damned reality ride myself...waahh...I don't want to get mind isn't ready... :O