Friday, July 6, 2012

Magic Mike

A couple days ago, my friend Eva called me and said “I’m calling to tell you what your plan is for this evening.”

I was at the grocery store, “oh really, and what IS my plan?”

“Emilia and I are going to pick you up in my black chariot and we’re going to meet a whole bunch of girls at Applebee’s, have one drink and then go see the movie ,Magic Mike.”

Mmmm, ok. My only question was “Why Applebee’s?”
Apparently, that’s just where they all decided to meet.

All righty then, I’m in.

 So she picked me up and we got to Applebee’s there were about 10 women at our table, some were Realtors that they knew and some were just friends of those Realtors.

We were sitting next to these 2 real young girls who were having jello shots.
The girl next to me (whose name, I naturally, have forgotten) said “We’ve had about 12 jello shots; it’s ok though I’m an alcoholic.”

We took pictures, admired each others sun glasses and the girl next to me kept ordering more jello shots, then she tells the waiter “Her (meaning mine) drink is weak man, I think she should get a free jello shot.” Eventually he did bring Eva and I a free one.

I actually have NEVER had one before. It was like boozy jello .

We had been running late from the get go, ….BTW after popcorn and a diet coke …$23.00 to take myself to the movies. (Outrageous!)

The movie was about a male stripper, in case you didn’t know.

I will let you educate yourself right here:

To me, it was more like choreographed dancing than stripping, but hey, I’m no stripper expert. The movie actually had a decent plot in there, but unless you’re young, it wasn’t like it was so riveting that I couldn’t go out side and smoke (twice)

And here’s how I missed the entire last part of the movie.

Picture it; I had gone outside for the second time, to smoke. I sat down on the curb (like white trash ya’ll) and as I’m sitting there, I see this individual come up and start trying to open EVERY car door, down two rows of cars.

My immediate thought was “OMG he’s trying to steal someone’s car.”

I called 911 on my cell phone and I told them “I am at the Behind the mall cinema and I’m sitting here watching a guy try to break into every car in the parking lot. I told them what he looked like ect… “

They said “I’m sorry I can’t understand what you’re saying.” And they HUNG UP on me!

A couple minutes later I see the thief drive away in a black car. Was it HIS? I have NO idea. The police never showed up. The movie got out and when MY friends got out there I told them what had happened and I went to show them what the guy was doing, I randomly grabbed a door handle on some cars back seat and it opened right up. UNLOCKED!

THEN, I went in and asked for the manager and told him what had happened and wrote down both of my phone numbers.

I never heard a thing from them OR the police, NOR did 911 call me back (since they couldn’t understand me!)

It occurred to me later that maybe the guy wasn’t trying to steal a car, maybe he was just stealing anything he could, from any person stupid enough to leave their car unlocked.

Needless to say, I am livid about the response I got from 911 AND the manager of the theatre. Today, I tried to find out about the police log… see what theft crimes were reported that night but as of yet, I have had no luck. I even went to the library to try and see it in the newspaper, all they had was the Sunday paper.

Note to fellow humans, LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS, you idiots because NO ONE is looking out for you.

If you happened to have been robbed or your car was stolen a couple nights ago at the movies…let me know….I can identify your suspect.

In other news, I believe it was earlier that same day…I nearly killed my stupid self.

That morning I went to the thrift store and I saw this ceramic bird (a toucan, maybe) when I went to take it out of my cart, the tail hit the cart and broke off. The cashier says” do you still want it?”

Yes, I did! I knew that I had a brand new tube of super glue and it was a clean break on the bird.

Ok, the last time I tried to open a tube of super glue, I had to stick a pin down the opening, after removing the outer cap.

I got home, broken bird in hand and went straight for the super glue. I could not even get the outer cap off….so I do what any woman would do…I try to screw it off with my teeth.

Imagine my shock and horror when all of a sudden my entire mouth is flooded with super glue! It was on my lips, my chin, the roof of my mouth AND my teeth.

By some miracle, I had the presence of mind to NOT shut my mouth.


So picture it…there I am …mouth wide open, tongue hanging out, drooling, as I rush to the bathroom. I managed to get it off of everything except my teeth.

My teeth still feel like I have hard water scum all over them.

I know, sounds sexy, right ;)

Note to all of you: Should you ever flood your mouth with super glue…do NOT shut your mouth, and do not call 911, they will just hang up on you.

                                   Hope you all had a great 4th of July

                                                     Luv me!